“If I Died Today” — Peace –part 2 of 2
Well, here is the conclusion to my own search for personal peace.
If I Died Today:
I KNOW I COULD GO without reservation, unresolved issues, or regrets, because:
- I am blessed to have had the fantastic opportunities I’ve had and for all the blessings I’ve received through the accomplishments made from my seizing on them;
- I believe I was a good, well-intentioned, and loving mother to my precious girls, Holly and Caitlin. God knows I tried, yet I believe I could have done some things a lot better than I did…but I didn’t know it at the time. I apologize for that, yet my children insist there is nothing to be sorry for. For the most part, my basic job is completed, but not without giving lots of credit to others in aiding me, where raising my children has been concerned. They are the sum total of all the shaping and loving they received.
- So, now that there is yet a newer generation, I live in the ‘here and now’ by truly taking in all that I possibly can as I enjoy our time together. I continue to worry, pray, obsess over the safety and well-being of those baby girls of mine, their children, and those dear to them and will for as long as I have breath in my body — no matter that they are pretty much in control (to an extent) of their dreams, goals, and lives as full-fledged adults now. Nothing could come between us to break the bond of unconditional love and maternal protection I hold for them, nothing. I would happily die for them. No question.
- I mostly believe that, overall, I turned out to be a decent and conscionable, generally likable human being. I answer to my conscience, my responsibilities, and attempt to account for what I own — deeds, mistakes, mistaken choices of words used with or against others. I still have much to learn about patience, acceptance of things that are out of my control, forgiveness of self, forgiveness of others.
- I believe I am generally a good-hearted and worthy human; One that my Dad and Mom are able to say they’re proud of. Dad is gone, but he remains with me daily in the wisdom he imparted and the loving encouragement he gave. I’m fortunate Mom is still here, and my love and respect is still growing for the champion she’s been for me and all she’s given to me in my life. I look more like her with each passing day. I am humbled when someone says “You remind me of your mom” or “You take after your Daddy, he used to think about or do things the same way.” No compliment could be more of an honor, truly.
I regret I put them through some serious grief when I was a rebel teen…but they never stopped loving me. Or supporting all that needed to be supported. I am grateful my girls had them to model after and learn from…since their Dad and I could not be for them the set of parents they really deserved.
- I certainly have my own share of life’s personal mistakes, blunders, troubles, and regrets to create nagging guilty twinges, though. When I am really looking to entertain myself on sleepless evenings, I just lie awake worrying about all the things I cannot fix or make better or wish could somehow magically transform to a more pleasant conclusion. I find myself sorrowful for those times I chose the lesser good over the greater good; I ask only forgiveness from those I have caused any disappointment, bitterness, or pain. I forgive those who have done harm to me, in return.
- And, I feel so grateful to have loved, lived, and been privy to all of the beauty, joy, and marvelous memories that I have enjoyed and been part of, thus far. I am extremely fortunate just to…have…lived. Gratitude flows from my heart to all friends, family, my neighbors, God … each and every day. Thankful to have had so much love and support, at all times.
I find much reward in knowing I can and do make worthy contributions in the lives of others, as much as they make in mine.
- I know I have been loved, cherished, and held dear by those who matter the most. I appreciate that they cared, in ways big and small, that I should arrive, thus far, in good spirits, health in tact, and with talents and abilities to share with others… Without those helping souls and kindred spirits, I would not ‘be.’ I hope to pass it on by inspiring and encouraging others.
- I thank the unseen power of love and fate. I was able to survive evil so that I might learn to respect and love myself. It was then that I was able to discern true good, true love, and open my heart again, to someone who showed me how love is meant to feel, to be, and for that blessing I am grateful, and happy. With him, I am safe, loved, and cared for.
- I am humbled by the compassion, empathy, and well-wishes I have received from total strangers, whose names I never knew, as I made the journey through times of sunshine and the times of hardship and pain. Those people live on in my own feelings of compassion, empathy, pity, and mercy…and in the actions that I find myself taking and exhibiting, along my walk through life. These gifts of hope, encouragement, and humanity have contributed to the complete person I am. They inspire me to remember the less fortunate and weak of spirit, to lend my help when it is needed, and exhibit genuine concern by actions I take and words I use.
I strive to pass these forward when I sense the slightest opportunity. (Ask the stranger I hugged at the gas pumps recently. He just needed to know he was worthy of joy and respect, too.) He’d never heard anybody actually tell him so. Our paths crossed for a special reason that day.
I am extremely grateful to have become aware of and a part of the people who make this blog a jewel in my crown of accomplishments. You have all given me the encouragement to develop a place worthy of being followed by over 400 readers in 70+ nations since I began posting here just a little over a year ago. I am grateful for the thoughts you share and the good I have found in your works as well. Thank you for making it possible to have a sense of purpose here.
MOST OF ALL:
- I am happy that I could pass any wisdom I’ve been shown of life to my girls. I am always learning, and trying to learn from them, too. They are everything I prayed they might become as adults and I am proud that they have taken my life to places I would have missed, were they never to be born mine.
- The very essence of my life has been the blessing of having these two girls. My purpose, my destiny, my lasting gifts of love, the joy of being loved and trusted…I have received so very much, learned so much, been made into the very person I am due to what you have given to me through the miracles of your births. What an awesome sense of joy!
If I died today….I have no fear of what lies beyond this earthly realm.
I have arrived at my own sense of peace. So, YES, I believe I would die in a state of contentment, today, should the Fates so decide to issue my number in the Lotto of Life. Forward-looking means no looking through the rear-view at what has passed; only concentrating on what is ahead.
So….I have no plans to go anywhere, anytime soon.
“My good Grim Reaper, goest thou away, I shall go with you
some other day!”
Now, it’s your turn to find your peace. Pack the deathbed concerns in a box, lock it, and lose that key. Write it out as a letter to yourself, then burn it. Make the past tangible and toss it in the waste can. That’s finished business. 🙂
Live life in the way it was intended– be fully present and unfettered by worry. Each day is a gift.
©2014, C.S. Thompson.