Losing My Mother

On October 3rd, my beloved, beautiful mother, Kathleen, left this world. Although we had been expecting her death for some time, I have learned that all the anticipation and preparation in the world could not soften or lessen the blow of the pain and sorrow that came after. In fact, the first day or two after she died, I was mostly ‘okay.’  I thought maybe I’d prepared myself enough to get away without the kind of sorrow my father’s death brought.

But…I am sadly mistaken. Underscore sadly

Unlike Daddy’s  death, however, Mama’s is quite a different feeling of loss. One that has taken me over and left a huge hole in my soul. Almost like a piece of me died, too.  But, I didn’t really notice right away — I had taken care of the business of funeral and burial arrangements, gotten through the services, and right after that went on a pre-planned driving tour across several states, distracted and happily taking that welcome break to just get away for a minute… knowing full well that I had a great load awaiting my attention upon returning home. Mom made me the executor and I have so much to take care of. So, when I got home…it all began to sink in.

I find I am slipping in and out of the darkness of grief, like an animal moving stealthily between the shadows and light. I emerge from the depths and shadows of my sadness only to find it no better in the light. Sort of a ‘now you see me, now you don’t’ thing. I easily fall back into the abyss when left alone with thoughts,  clutching onto memories, and then longing to hear her voice, her laugh. Sometimes I feel like the sadness is choking the breath out of me. I know this is normal. I hope.

I am ‘good’ if I can keep my focus off of this hole in my soul… if I can be distracted, or find the power to overcome the utter inability to pull myself up and out of this chair and join the land of the living.

I am downright soggy today.

Damn it! I really had this handled, in the beginning, I did. Really.

But, as the first month has passed, I am keen to notice the effect has grown more, not less.

I feel like I can’t square this notion that she is no longer of this world.

Is it possible to be a 50-something ‘orphan?’ If so, then I am… an orphan, now.

Thank God I have a sister in this with me… she’s an orphan, too, I suppose. At least we can be orphaned, together. We are relieved that we only had to bury our parents ONE TIME. We couldn’t imagine having to go through this loss and stuff again.

I want to share my Mama, and my take on what she was all about, with you over the upcoming posts. She was very much a one-of-a-kind personality, boy! I think you will enjoy getting to know her, and while I am ‘sharing her’ maybe, just maybe, I can begin to feel better, too.  I hope you will return to see her story.

For now, here are some assorted pictures of her from her young adulthood, early marriage and motherhood years… my always special, always beautiful, inside-and-out, Mama.

Graduate R.N.  circa 1959

 

MomColorUSAF

My beautiful picture

Mom looks overjoyed at the prospect of having a baby, NOT. Maternity was something she learned one day at a time, lol. I am that bun in the oven, 1964.

My beautiful picture

Late 60’s — it looks like I must have had to pee, here. lol. We didn’t have kiddie car seats, we had ‘harnesses.’

My beautiful picture

My parents, newlyweds, here. 1963

My beautiful picture

Mom with my baby sister and I…1966. Daddy always liked to take family pictures after Sunday morning Mass, while we were all dressed up and looking good.

11 Responses to “Losing My Mother”

  1. Sorry for your loss, what you feel may change every 5 minutes and this is ok. Just take one day at a time. God Bless

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hey lovely,
    Virtual hugs and squeezes from here in Australia. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and one day, you will realise that the ache has eased. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you Suz. I was just down to Victoria in late Jan-early Feb of this year. I thought about you a lot, wishing I could have found a way to meet you while we were there. It was such a great trip.
      Thank you for your lovely advice. I am trying…living one day at a time. It’s hard but I always muddle thru. Hope all is well with you and yours. Hugs!

      Liked by 1 person

      • I hope you enjoyed Victoria. I always love visiting there when we get the opportunities to travel.
        We are well. Getting there. One step at a time.
        I am to be a grandmother again in the new year and the teen graduates high school tonight. Her formal (our version of a prom) is tomorrow night and then she is out into the big wide world.

        Like

  3. Hugs from SC when my wife heard that her mother had died(a year after her father) the first words out of her mouth were “I’m an orphan”. Save your photos in multiple formats do as to minimize the risk of losing them.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yes, it is a hard time. I immediately had the task of taking literal boxes of over 3 generations of family pictures and going thru them to select the ones I wanted at her services. Yes it is good advice indeed. I also noted that now that parents are gone, certain of those pics would be better in the hands of other relatives, too. I hope all is well with you and your family. Give all those doggies a tummy scratch for me. Thank you for your comment, it is nice to see you.

      Liked by 1 person

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