The Hardest Thing I have Ever Had To Endure

I’ve managed to survive more than a few “worst days of my life” in my half-century (plus) on this planet.

None of those horrific events could begin to prepare me for what would be the end of my world as I knew it.

On June 11, 2019 I lost my loving and devoted sweetheart of 22 years, LeeRoy Halley. The love of my life, the king of my heart, the very center of my little universe, and my world… had left me behind. Today I am pretty much in the same emotional and overall personal condition I was on June 11. I am utterly lost. I wish I would stop breathing.

I can’t believe he is gone forever. Everything we had planned for our near and far-flung future… everything we lived from day to day, the routine and the mundane — all of everything in our life together had been wiped clean from our slate of the life we built and shared for 22 years. ALL of it was GONE. FOREVER. And, if I ever needed my mother’s calm assurances and sage advice, it was really needed now. But, she, and my father, and other support lines I’d come to depend upon through my lifetime…all were gone. I have never felt so ALONE in my life as I do now.

I have my two precious daughters and my sister. But, as many of you know, there’s only so much you can unload on your friends and family when it comes to the painful and relentless grief over such a personal loss. So I keep myself here. At home. I go out ONLY when I must. And of course I go to the cemetery to spend time with him there. I just don’t care about much.

My readers will recall my last visit in here to post on my blog… just a little over a year ago, when my beautiful, beloved Mother passed away in 2018. That was a loss I’d never imagined would be so hard to overcome. I know, I threatened to return to tell you some wonderful things about my mom’s life. And I never did. I didn’t come back because I just felt mired in my grief and then the ensuing legalities placed in my hands regarding my duties to execute her will and deal with her trust. I just couldn’t bear to return, just yet.

Shortly after she died, in fact, it was on Thanksgiving Day of 2018, my cousin (son of my mom’s brother) died unexpectedly. We grew up together. He was a few years younger, so I was quite shocked over his death. I did my level best to assist my uncle and aunt with the funeral plans and to be by their side as they struggled to overcome the incredible shock and grief that they found themselves in. So, I was thinking 2018 was a really sucky year.

As sad as I’d been over the loss of mom, not even that comes close to the utter devastation and deep depression I find myself struggling through since my LeeRoy’s death.

So, I come back to my blog to appeal to my dear friends and readers, with much humility and sorrow. I humbly ask only for your friendship, mercy, and compassion. I need the comfort of those good people who have kindly shared their own sufferings with me and found some small bit of wisdom or perspective in my writings.

Funny, the words of my writings seem helpful enough… but they fall short of helping me through what has been the very darkest hours I have ever had to face. So, now that my life seems devoid of ‘responsibilities’ I once had: caring for and sharing life with my man, planning and plotting out our days together, and keeping our schedules and home-fires going…I have decided that maybe returning to producing some works for this blog might prove to be cathartic or helpful in moving me toward the next phase of my life….because I really haven’t been able to do that yet; not at all.

This will be my start…peace and love to you all.

 

12 Responses to “The Hardest Thing I have Ever Had To Endure”

  1. So very glad to see you on here again my sweet girlfriend. I cannot profess to know what you are going through but you are definitely one if the strongest people I know so I feel confident you will eventually be ok!

    I love you and I miss you xo

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    • Thank you, Cathy. I wish I felt strong. My life has been shattered and I am alone to pick up the pieces. It is nice to know I am cared for and supported. I wish it were all a bad dream and that I might wake up to discover my world untouched and safely intact. I love you and miss you, too. I want to get away from this house and all of the unfortunate mess so badly. His kids have made it ever so much harder on me and I worry over everything because my existence feels so uncertain.

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  2. No words can ever help and other than losing parents and family members I don’t know what you are going through, yet but doing something that makes you happy will start. May God add blessings to your writings.

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    • Thank you for your kind message. You and Jerri are the only ones of his family who show me mercy and compassion. The worst part of all of this is that I was not allowed to pay tribute to his precious memory or honor his role in our life together. It was so wrong that I not be allowed to share how wonderful he was and how very proud I was to be such a big part of his life. This has caused me so much pain that there really aren’t words to describe it. My life will never be the same and I don’t think I will ever recover from this terrible loss and the undue added agony of being punished for loving him and building a life with him. He was everything to me and will always be.

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  3. My first reaction when seeing you posted something was “ wow, look who’s back!” Then I read the words and search for words I doubt I can find. Having been in the business, we have both heard the cliche’s and advice, well-meant, useless, but here I go…. Walk the journey, cry the tears, but search for something that makes you smile, if even for a second, and remember that thing and keep coming back to it.

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