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The Hardest Thing I have Ever Had To Endure

Posted in Blogging, Cemetery, Death, Depression, Future, Grief, Losing A Parent, Loss, Love, Personal Crisis, Relationships on October 25, 2019 by Morguie

I’ve managed to survive more than a few “worst days of my life” in my half-century (plus) on this planet.

None of those horrific events could begin to prepare me for what would be the end of my world as I knew it.

On June 11, 2019 I lost my loving and devoted sweetheart of 22 years, LeeRoy Halley. The love of my life, the king of my heart, the very center of my little universe, and my world… had left me behind. Today I am pretty much in the same emotional and overall personal condition I was on June 11. I am utterly lost. I wish I would stop breathing.

I can’t believe he is gone forever. Everything we had planned for our near and far-flung future… everything we lived from day to day, the routine and the mundane — all of everything in our life together had been wiped clean from our slate of the life we built and shared for 22 years. ALL of it was GONE. FOREVER. And, if I ever needed my mother’s calm assurances and sage advice, it was really needed now. But, she, and my father, and other support lines I’d come to depend upon through my lifetime…all were gone. I have never felt so ALONE in my life as I do now.

I have my two precious daughters and my sister. But, as many of you know, there’s only so much you can unload on your friends and family when it comes to the painful and relentless grief over such a personal loss. So I keep myself here. At home. I go out ONLY when I must. And of course I go to the cemetery to spend time with him there. I just don’t care about much.

My readers will recall my last visit in here to post on my blog… just a little over a year ago, when my beautiful, beloved Mother passed away in 2018. That was a loss I’d never imagined would be so hard to overcome. I know, I threatened to return to tell you some wonderful things about my mom’s life. And I never did. I didn’t come back because I just felt mired in my grief and then the ensuing legalities placed in my hands regarding my duties to execute her will and deal with her trust. I just couldn’t bear to return, just yet.

Shortly after she died, in fact, it was on Thanksgiving Day of 2018, my cousin (son of my mom’s brother) died unexpectedly. We grew up together. He was a few years younger, so I was quite shocked over his death. I did my level best to assist my uncle and aunt with the funeral plans and to be by their side as they struggled to overcome the incredible shock and grief that they found themselves in. So, I was thinking 2018 was a really sucky year.

As sad as I’d been over the loss of mom, not even that comes close to the utter devastation and deep depression I find myself struggling through since my LeeRoy’s death.

So, I come back to my blog to appeal to my dear friends and readers, with much humility and sorrow. I humbly ask only for your friendship, mercy, and compassion. I need the comfort of those good people who have kindly shared their own sufferings with me and found some small bit of wisdom or perspective in my writings.

Funny, the words of my writings seem helpful enough… but they fall short of helping me through what has been the very darkest hours I have ever had to face. So, now that my life seems devoid of ‘responsibilities’ I once had: caring for and sharing life with my man, planning and plotting out our days together, and keeping our schedules and home-fires going…I have decided that maybe returning to producing some works for this blog might prove to be cathartic or helpful in moving me toward the next phase of my life….because I really haven’t been able to do that yet; not at all.

This will be my start…peace and love to you all.

 

For our Aging Service Veterans: You are Appreciated, Super-Heroes.

Posted in Death on November 12, 2018 by Morguie

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Veteran’s Day 2018

Posted in Death on November 11, 2018 by Morguie

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My father, U.S. Navy, late 1950’s.

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Thank you to all Veterans, past and present, for your service and sacrifices made in the defense of our great nation, The United States of America.

Losing My Mother

Posted in Death on November 10, 2018 by Morguie

On October 3rd, my beloved, beautiful mother, Kathleen, left this world. Although we had been expecting her death for some time, I have learned that all the anticipation and preparation in the world could not soften or lessen the blow of the pain and sorrow that came after. In fact, the first day or two after she died, I was mostly ‘okay.’  I thought maybe I’d prepared myself enough to get away without the kind of sorrow my father’s death brought.

But…I am sadly mistaken. Underscore sadly

Unlike Daddy’s  death, however, Mama’s is quite a different feeling of loss. One that has taken me over and left a huge hole in my soul. Almost like a piece of me died, too.  But, I didn’t really notice right away — I had taken care of the business of funeral and burial arrangements, gotten through the services, and right after that went on a pre-planned driving tour across several states, distracted and happily taking that welcome break to just get away for a minute… knowing full well that I had a great load awaiting my attention upon returning home. Mom made me the executor and I have so much to take care of. So, when I got home…it all began to sink in.

I find I am slipping in and out of the darkness of grief, like an animal moving stealthily between the shadows and light. I emerge from the depths and shadows of my sadness only to find it no better in the light. Sort of a ‘now you see me, now you don’t’ thing. I easily fall back into the abyss when left alone with thoughts,  clutching onto memories, and then longing to hear her voice, her laugh. Sometimes I feel like the sadness is choking the breath out of me. I know this is normal. I hope.

I am ‘good’ if I can keep my focus off of this hole in my soul… if I can be distracted, or find the power to overcome the utter inability to pull myself up and out of this chair and join the land of the living.

I am downright soggy today.

Damn it! I really had this handled, in the beginning, I did. Really.

But, as the first month has passed, I am keen to notice the effect has grown more, not less.

I feel like I can’t square this notion that she is no longer of this world.

Is it possible to be a 50-something ‘orphan?’ If so, then I am… an orphan, now.

Thank God I have a sister in this with me… she’s an orphan, too, I suppose. At least we can be orphaned, together. We are relieved that we only had to bury our parents ONE TIME. We couldn’t imagine having to go through this loss and stuff again.

I want to share my Mama, and my take on what she was all about, with you over the upcoming posts. She was very much a one-of-a-kind personality, boy! I think you will enjoy getting to know her, and while I am ‘sharing her’ maybe, just maybe, I can begin to feel better, too.  I hope you will return to see her story.

For now, here are some assorted pictures of her from her young adulthood, early marriage and motherhood years… my always special, always beautiful, inside-and-out, Mama.

Graduate R.N.  circa 1959

 

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My beautiful picture

Mom looks overjoyed at the prospect of having a baby, NOT. Maternity was something she learned one day at a time, lol. I am that bun in the oven, 1964.

My beautiful picture

Late 60’s — it looks like I must have had to pee, here. lol. We didn’t have kiddie car seats, we had ‘harnesses.’

My beautiful picture

My parents, newlyweds, here. 1963

My beautiful picture

Mom with my baby sister and I…1966. Daddy always liked to take family pictures after Sunday morning Mass, while we were all dressed up and looking good.

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