Archive for the Losing A Parent Category

The Hardest Thing I have Ever Had To Endure

Posted in Blogging, Cemetery, Death, Depression, Future, Grief, Losing A Parent, Loss, Love, Personal Crisis, Relationships on October 25, 2019 by Morguie

I’ve managed to survive more than a few “worst days of my life” in my half-century (plus) on this planet.

None of those horrific events could begin to prepare me for what would be the end of my world as I knew it.

On June 11, 2019 I lost my loving and devoted sweetheart of 22 years, LeeRoy Halley. The love of my life, the king of my heart, the very center of my little universe, and my world… had left me behind. Today I am pretty much in the same emotional and overall personal condition I was on June 11. I am utterly lost. I wish I would stop breathing.

I can’t believe he is gone forever. Everything we had planned for our near and far-flung future… everything we lived from day to day, the routine and the mundane — all of everything in our life together had been wiped clean from our slate of the life we built and shared for 22 years. ALL of it was GONE. FOREVER. And, if I ever needed my mother’s calm assurances and sage advice, it was really needed now. But, she, and my father, and other support lines I’d come to depend upon through my lifetime…all were gone. I have never felt so ALONE in my life as I do now.

I have my two precious daughters and my sister. But, as many of you know, there’s only so much you can unload on your friends and family when it comes to the painful and relentless grief over such a personal loss. So I keep myself here. At home. I go out ONLY when I must. And of course I go to the cemetery to spend time with him there. I just don’t care about much.

My readers will recall my last visit in here to post on my blog… just a little over a year ago, when my beautiful, beloved Mother passed away in 2018. That was a loss I’d never imagined would be so hard to overcome. I know, I threatened to return to tell you some wonderful things about my mom’s life. And I never did. I didn’t come back because I just felt mired in my grief and then the ensuing legalities placed in my hands regarding my duties to execute her will and deal with her trust. I just couldn’t bear to return, just yet.

Shortly after she died, in fact, it was on Thanksgiving Day of 2018, my cousin (son of my mom’s brother) died unexpectedly. We grew up together. He was a few years younger, so I was quite shocked over his death. I did my level best to assist my uncle and aunt with the funeral plans and to be by their side as they struggled to overcome the incredible shock and grief that they found themselves in. So, I was thinking 2018 was a really sucky year.

As sad as I’d been over the loss of mom, not even that comes close to the utter devastation and deep depression I find myself struggling through since my LeeRoy’s death.

So, I come back to my blog to appeal to my dear friends and readers, with much humility and sorrow. I humbly ask only for your friendship, mercy, and compassion. I need the comfort of those good people who have kindly shared their own sufferings with me and found some small bit of wisdom or perspective in my writings.

Funny, the words of my writings seem helpful enough… but they fall short of helping me through what has been the very darkest hours I have ever had to face. So, now that my life seems devoid of ‘responsibilities’ I once had: caring for and sharing life with my man, planning and plotting out our days together, and keeping our schedules and home-fires going…I have decided that maybe returning to producing some works for this blog might prove to be cathartic or helpful in moving me toward the next phase of my life….because I really haven’t been able to do that yet; not at all.

This will be my start…peace and love to you all.

 

C J Talks About: When Grief Knocks, Open The Door

Posted in Celebrities, Cherished memories, childhood, Children, Death, Family, Gratitude, Grief, Legacy, Life, Losing A Parent, Loss, Love, Music, Remembrance, Traveling, Video Clips with tags , , , , , , on March 1, 2015 by Morguie

 

 

It is odd, that “thing” we call grief.  Can’t say it is friend or foe.  It isn’t a friendly thing. It isn’t a bad thing, either. Many might argue with me about that. After all…we all love sunny days and happy times. But to know the joy of those we must also know the pain of sorrow. In a way, I think of grief as an ocean. Maybe my analogy will resonate with some of you, who also understand the grief which inexplicably comes a-calling without notice or even the slightest clue it is coming to remind you that it is still there…lurking…stealthy…lying in wait…like a furtive opponent, about to ambush you as you turn the corner.

 

I am starting to think I should have been a surfer…:hanging ten’ as I deftly glide over the curls and across the tops of big beautiful blue-green waves. Until…wipeout

 

 

…I lose my footing…something breaks below the water’s surface…then in an instant, I am off the board and enveloped by the rushing water, hanging on as I am plunged into the dark water.

 

Moments ago I was in control…just going on about my day, and then…like a rip tide current, grief rears it’s ugly head without warning…grabbing me and my collection of cherished remembrances…pulling me down underwater, the waves of heartache and nostalgic longing for the good times long past.  The tears of sorrow break to the brim, the dam unable to hold them back…the trigger is too strong.

 

 

sunnyocean

Grief is a lot like an ocean — watch for rip current!

 

 

I must let them cascade down my cheeks, hoping like the devil no one can see.

 

Beyond a description, grief is something which must be attended to, sort of like a phone ringing or the banging on the front door. When it threatens to suddenly appear, knocking insistently at your door, you must simply accept this bad-mannered visitor, and open the door.

 

And, rest assured, this visitor will only take up a little of your time — it passes. It doesn’t set up camp for a lengthy stay, like it did at first. Like the tide, grief will roll in…go back out…come in…and go.  I don’t believe it really ever goes away for good. It isn’t like death, I am afraid.

 

And this is what the process of grief work embodies. It is something we have to work through, as we move on, going forward without the one we lost.

 

 

 

As we were enjoying the Alan Jackson concert a few nights ago, there was a familiar ‘knock’ at the door of my heart, and my memories of Daddy teaching me to drive. My mom would have really given him hell if she’d known  what he encouraged me to do one particular practice-afternoon.  The 1970 Chrysler 300 he’d been refurbishing (I called it the bomb) was the car and though he hadn’t quite finished the interior just yet— he sat in passenger “seat” made from an old wooden Pepsi crate — I,  all of 15 yrs. old, sat in the brand new leather bucket seat, trimmed in chrome, as I got behind the wheel, just atop of Johnson Road on the hill.

 

English: 1970 Chrysler 300 Hurst at Power Big ...

 

 

 

The big 440 cubic-inch Mopar responded to a pedal press, going from a purr to a voluminous roar — and Daddy said, “Drive! Open it up!!!”  

 

And, this Daddy’s girl did.  My daddy grinned as I took it up to nearly 100 m.p.h. It was a real rocket…gliding down that hill was exhilarating!

 

“Don’t tell Mama,” he said. It was our little secret…a great memory now.

 

Daddy's Girl --- age 15

Daddy’s Girl — age 15

 

I miss you, Daddy…thanks for the sweet memory that I keep of the fun we had that day, for all of the good times, for being the best Daddy this girl could ever have.

©C.S. Thompson, 2015

 

 

 

 

International Holocaust Remembrance Day

Posted in Cremation, Death, Education, Family, Ghosts, Grief, History, Hope, Legacy, Losing A Parent, Loss, Memorialization, Mourning, Outcasts, Politics, Prison Inmates, Spirits, Tragic death, Truth, WAR with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on January 27, 2015 by Morguie

English: The main gate at the former Nazi deat...

English: The main gate at the former Nazi death camp of Birkenau. Note that this is inside the camp looking back from the loading ramp to the “Gate of Death”.(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

AUSCHWITZ CONCENTRATION CAMP    —- Liberation Day   70th  Anniversary

Some 1.1 million people, mostly Jews, were killed there between 1940 and 1945, when the Soviets liberated the camp.

It is expected to be the last major anniversary event survivors are able to attend in considerable numbers.

The entrance to Camp I at Auschwitz, with the ...

The entrance to Camp I at Auschwitz, with the sign on the gate reading Arbeit macht frei (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

May we as human beings never allow for this terror to take place again.

Please click on the following links to learn more about the terrible atrocities and mass-murders of men, women, and children. Let us not forget history’s great lessons.

We are all brothers and sisters here on this earth.

 

 

AUSCHWITZ

 

 

A very graphic pictorial and history site that I encourage all visitors to stop to see:

http://isurvived.org/AUSCHWITZ_TheCamp.html

Peace Be With You All,

CJ

©C.S. Thompson, 2015.

 

Words

Posted in bereavement, Children, Death, Divorce, Family, Grandchild, Gratitude, Grief, Life, Losing A Parent, Loss, Mourning, Parenting, Relationships, Remembrance on October 22, 2014 by Morguie

I may have mentioned in recent months that this year 2014 has been one of many departures, each of which has been significant to me personally. Between May 28 and September 1st it seems surreal to note that this house has been affected by somewhere in the neighborhood of 7 or more deaths of family and close friends.

 

I lost count. Sure it has been at least 8.  Now…my ex-mom-in-law can be added to the toll…sadly. She died last night in her son’s home.

 

She was affectionately known to my daughters as simply, ‘Gee-Ma’.  It was less than a month and one half ago that we learned “Gee-Ma” had mere months to live; advanced liver and gallbladder cancer. It was a shocking revelation. My girls were devastated to realize that their beloved “Gee-Ma” was not to be long for this world. Even I, was saddened and affected by the news.

We went to the hospital a few weeks ago to visit. It was there that knew I had something vital in my heart to reveal to “Gee-Ma”…the quiet exchange between us left me overwhelmed with emotion as I hurried away afterward.

It was the last time I would see her. I knew that in my heart of hearts. I made the best of my brief visit.

When I married her troubled and violence-prone son (which I honestly had NO IDEA about back then) she and I were certainly less than familial toward one another. Of course, as I look back, it was HE that was the catalyst and our shared nemesis for undermining the relationship she and I should have had from the beginning.  Over the years, for our girls’ sakes, I naturally remained connected to this woman whom I really barely knew. Birthdays and holidays HERE at my current home — celebrated for the girls and Holly’s babies, my grandsons, helped us to bond as friends but more importantly, as family…like we’d never been able to do when I was married to her son, decades ago.

So, in late September, as I visited with her alone, I stroked her hair and told her that I appreciated the wonderful and loving Grandma she’d always been to the girls…I thanked her heartily for the nurturing care she gave as she helped to raise them, along with myself, and my Mom…that I was always blessed that for the most part, they were the primary caregivers to them as I struggled to juggle 2 full-time jobs  and a part-time job; back before I went on to pursue my dream to become a funeral director…for without their roles in my girls’ tender young lives, I would have been unable to manage as well as I did as their mother.

We really were a family, in the end. I felt I had to say so, out loud, that last day that I saw her. I wanted her to fully know what was in my heart. The sincere appreciation and respect I held for her. I just felt there was no way I’d let her leave this world without hearing me put into words, that which I truly felt. It surprised me to be so moved and affected by this personal conversation with her. I thanked her, also, for attending my own father’s wake and funeral…the gesture which moved me incredibly at that time…considering she really didn’t know him, thanks to the massive load of turmoil and animus brought about by her son’s brutal treatment of me.

I stifled the heaving sobs trying to escape as I said ‘good-bye’ that day…hurrying from that hospital bedside and down the hall to the lobby before I burst into tears and allowing the heart-felt grief to escape me there, out of earshot of her room.

 

Indeed…I will remember that day for the rest of my life. 

My heart is heavy today. But, I do know this: the peace I feel for having that little talk with her that day is indescribable. I didn’t want to ‘assume’ she “knew” my heart and my feelings of appreciation for the part she played in my life and my girls’ lives…the words needed to be said aloud. I am so blessed to have been given the courage I needed to say what had to be said.

 

Thank you again, Grandma Jan…thanks for being beloved “Gee-Ma.’  May you rest in peace, my friend. Things will not be the same here without you.

.©2014, C.S. Thompson.

 

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