Archive for the Love Category

The Hardest Thing I have Ever Had To Endure

Posted in Blogging, Cemetery, Death, Depression, Future, Grief, Losing A Parent, Loss, Love, Personal Crisis, Relationships on October 25, 2019 by Morguie

I’ve managed to survive more than a few “worst days of my life” in my half-century (plus) on this planet.

None of those horrific events could begin to prepare me for what would be the end of my world as I knew it.

On June 11, 2019 I lost my loving and devoted sweetheart of 22 years, LeeRoy Halley. The love of my life, the king of my heart, the very center of my little universe, and my world… had left me behind. Today I am pretty much in the same emotional and overall personal condition I was on June 11. I am utterly lost. I wish I would stop breathing.

I can’t believe he is gone forever. Everything we had planned for our near and far-flung future… everything we lived from day to day, the routine and the mundane — all of everything in our life together had been wiped clean from our slate of the life we built and shared for 22 years. ALL of it was GONE. FOREVER. And, if I ever needed my mother’s calm assurances and sage advice, it was really needed now. But, she, and my father, and other support lines I’d come to depend upon through my lifetime…all were gone. I have never felt so ALONE in my life as I do now.

I have my two precious daughters and my sister. But, as many of you know, there’s only so much you can unload on your friends and family when it comes to the painful and relentless grief over such a personal loss. So I keep myself here. At home. I go out ONLY when I must. And of course I go to the cemetery to spend time with him there. I just don’t care about much.

My readers will recall my last visit in here to post on my blog… just a little over a year ago, when my beautiful, beloved Mother passed away in 2018. That was a loss I’d never imagined would be so hard to overcome. I know, I threatened to return to tell you some wonderful things about my mom’s life. And I never did. I didn’t come back because I just felt mired in my grief and then the ensuing legalities placed in my hands regarding my duties to execute her will and deal with her trust. I just couldn’t bear to return, just yet.

Shortly after she died, in fact, it was on Thanksgiving Day of 2018, my cousin (son of my mom’s brother) died unexpectedly. We grew up together. He was a few years younger, so I was quite shocked over his death. I did my level best to assist my uncle and aunt with the funeral plans and to be by their side as they struggled to overcome the incredible shock and grief that they found themselves in. So, I was thinking 2018 was a really sucky year.

As sad as I’d been over the loss of mom, not even that comes close to the utter devastation and deep depression I find myself struggling through since my LeeRoy’s death.

So, I come back to my blog to appeal to my dear friends and readers, with much humility and sorrow. I humbly ask only for your friendship, mercy, and compassion. I need the comfort of those good people who have kindly shared their own sufferings with me and found some small bit of wisdom or perspective in my writings.

Funny, the words of my writings seem helpful enough… but they fall short of helping me through what has been the very darkest hours I have ever had to face. So, now that my life seems devoid of ‘responsibilities’ I once had: caring for and sharing life with my man, planning and plotting out our days together, and keeping our schedules and home-fires going…I have decided that maybe returning to producing some works for this blog might prove to be cathartic or helpful in moving me toward the next phase of my life….because I really haven’t been able to do that yet; not at all.

This will be my start…peace and love to you all.

 

A Journey Reaches The End of The Road

Posted in Animals, bereavement, Birthday, Cherished memories, Death Avoidance, Family, Grief, Loss, Love, Mourning, Pet Loss, Pets, Relationships with tags , , on June 26, 2015 by Morguie

Shadow, age 13

Shadow, age 13, May 2015

He was born 9-20-01, in the days after the surreal tragedy of 9/11.

He seemed at first, to CJ, to be just another black lab puppy. He would become so much more in the years to come. More like an Angel in a dog’s form…he would bond to her like no other animal she had ever known or called a pet…so loyal, faithful, and compassionate. So unlike a regular dog, he was to her, EXTRAORDINARY; other-worldly, actually.

He seemed to understand, in his gentle way. He loved her unconditionally, as he did everyone who loved him.

He would have a wonderful, full life working the hunts each fall with Daddy. He would accompany Mommy and Daddy anywhere he could, always by their side, as if to act as guardian angels do.

He was fondly called Mommy’s “baby bear” — because Daddy is her big teddy bear. She would pronounce him the kingly Prince of her heart.

As the years peeled away, his face and paws had begun to gray…CJ fretted at the thought that ‘someday’ he would have to leave them. It would be among the saddest in her life, the day that would take her Shadow away.

She would whisper in his silkiest of pup’s ears, not to go now. Stay with me. Just a little while longer…whatever will I do? How would I go on without you here each day?

More years passed, his hips were worn and he was slowing down. He was losing weight in spite of having a snacky whenever Mommy would toss it…in the final months, that was quite often.

She had tried so hard to get ready; the time was coming soon, she thought. Still, he held on, so happy to see Mommy and Daddy each day.

In the mid-weeks of June they were going on a quick vacation across the country. Tears rolled off her cheeks and onto his nose as she bent to hug him and kiss him before Daddy took him and Hunter, the other lab, to the boarding kennel. Before she let go of him, she asked him not to leave her while they were away — she wanted to be with him when the time came. He set his chin on her shoulder and was very still for a moment. CJ felt that he understood the wish. He was happy.

It was a moment of understanding and a farewell of love. It was the last good moment they would have.

The day they returned, Daddy went off to the kennel to get him and Hunter. But — moments upon their entry to the house — Shadow began to go into a serious respiratory arrest and was unable to stand or catch his breath. Alarmed, and unsure what they could do to help, Mommy and Daddy hurriedly carried him to the truck and raced to the Vet Emergency Clinic.

They knew in their hearts it was the end. They tried to prepare themselves in the quiet ride over.

Once inside, they explained that no heroics were wanted to save him. They would have to be brave…

..they were led back to a room where the nurse had already inserted an I.V. line into his paw..he actually seemed calmer and more stable…Daddy and Mommy petted him, Mommy crying uncontrollably. This was her baby bear. How could it be time? Now?

The dog looked into her eyes when she kissed him…yes, it was time.

The doctor administered the shot, and in an instant, her precious Prince of her heart…was gone.

Daddy and Mommy remained with him for a few more moments, each with heavy hearts and tears in their eyes. She buried her face in his thick neck fur, sobbing and telling him she loved him so much.

He was the best dog. Ever. No other could be what he was to them. He was very special indeed.

And now he was gone.

But…he did as Mommy had hoped…he waited until they could be with him.

Such a wonderful member of our ‘family.’

He is missed most terribly. He will always run and play in her memories. She will carry him always within her heart. Until she can see him again on the other side.

Mommy loves you Shadow. Rest in Peace. Wait for us on the other side, okay my prince? We’ll see you then…

My Shadow, with daughter Caitlin on May 26, 2015

My Shadow, with daughter Caitlin
on May 26, 2015

C J  with Her Very Best Boy, Shadow      on May 26, 2015

C J with Her Very Best Boy, Shadow
on May 26, 2015

Doggie Mama Holding Her Tiny, Teacup Labrador… at least HE thought he was very tiny…Winter-time evenings this was the norm (approx 2009)

C J Talks About: When Grief Knocks, Open The Door

Posted in Celebrities, Cherished memories, childhood, Children, Death, Family, Gratitude, Grief, Legacy, Life, Losing A Parent, Loss, Love, Music, Remembrance, Traveling, Video Clips with tags , , , , , , on March 1, 2015 by Morguie

 

 

It is odd, that “thing” we call grief.  Can’t say it is friend or foe.  It isn’t a friendly thing. It isn’t a bad thing, either. Many might argue with me about that. After all…we all love sunny days and happy times. But to know the joy of those we must also know the pain of sorrow. In a way, I think of grief as an ocean. Maybe my analogy will resonate with some of you, who also understand the grief which inexplicably comes a-calling without notice or even the slightest clue it is coming to remind you that it is still there…lurking…stealthy…lying in wait…like a furtive opponent, about to ambush you as you turn the corner.

 

I am starting to think I should have been a surfer…:hanging ten’ as I deftly glide over the curls and across the tops of big beautiful blue-green waves. Until…wipeout

 

 

…I lose my footing…something breaks below the water’s surface…then in an instant, I am off the board and enveloped by the rushing water, hanging on as I am plunged into the dark water.

 

Moments ago I was in control…just going on about my day, and then…like a rip tide current, grief rears it’s ugly head without warning…grabbing me and my collection of cherished remembrances…pulling me down underwater, the waves of heartache and nostalgic longing for the good times long past.  The tears of sorrow break to the brim, the dam unable to hold them back…the trigger is too strong.

 

 

sunnyocean

Grief is a lot like an ocean — watch for rip current!

 

 

I must let them cascade down my cheeks, hoping like the devil no one can see.

 

Beyond a description, grief is something which must be attended to, sort of like a phone ringing or the banging on the front door. When it threatens to suddenly appear, knocking insistently at your door, you must simply accept this bad-mannered visitor, and open the door.

 

And, rest assured, this visitor will only take up a little of your time — it passes. It doesn’t set up camp for a lengthy stay, like it did at first. Like the tide, grief will roll in…go back out…come in…and go.  I don’t believe it really ever goes away for good. It isn’t like death, I am afraid.

 

And this is what the process of grief work embodies. It is something we have to work through, as we move on, going forward without the one we lost.

 

 

 

As we were enjoying the Alan Jackson concert a few nights ago, there was a familiar ‘knock’ at the door of my heart, and my memories of Daddy teaching me to drive. My mom would have really given him hell if she’d known  what he encouraged me to do one particular practice-afternoon.  The 1970 Chrysler 300 he’d been refurbishing (I called it the bomb) was the car and though he hadn’t quite finished the interior just yet— he sat in passenger “seat” made from an old wooden Pepsi crate — I,  all of 15 yrs. old, sat in the brand new leather bucket seat, trimmed in chrome, as I got behind the wheel, just atop of Johnson Road on the hill.

 

English: 1970 Chrysler 300 Hurst at Power Big ...

 

 

 

The big 440 cubic-inch Mopar responded to a pedal press, going from a purr to a voluminous roar — and Daddy said, “Drive! Open it up!!!”  

 

And, this Daddy’s girl did.  My daddy grinned as I took it up to nearly 100 m.p.h. It was a real rocket…gliding down that hill was exhilarating!

 

“Don’t tell Mama,” he said. It was our little secret…a great memory now.

 

Daddy's Girl --- age 15

Daddy’s Girl — age 15

 

I miss you, Daddy…thanks for the sweet memory that I keep of the fun we had that day, for all of the good times, for being the best Daddy this girl could ever have.

©C.S. Thompson, 2015

 

 

 

 

Can You Relate To This?

Posted in Charity, Children, Family, Future, Gratitude, Hope, Inspiration, Kindness, Legacy, Life, Love, Marriage, Parenting, Planning Ahead, Relationships, Spirits, Thought For Today, Video Clips, Wisdom with tags on February 12, 2015 by Morguie

Money

This poignant clip is about saving up for a dream…and dipping into those savings along the way when life’s path was met with reasons or obstacles, emergencies or life’s unexpected kinks— to merit use of the hard-earned dream money.

I think most of us would be able to point to something in our lives that side-tracked us or put the dream on hold.

Usually, too, that thing which merited the funds diversion was something which gave us a sense of personal joy just to be able to help.

Thanks for coming by to share a thoughtful reminder that life indeed is too short.  What we make of it is everything, in the end.

I’d like to thank my sweetheart for passing this my way…to be able to share with all of you.

 

Hope you enjoy “Corvette Heaven” as much as we did!

 

Thank you,  baby.

©C.S. Thompson, 2015

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