Archive for Forgiveness

“If I Died Today” — Peace –part 2 of 2

Posted in Beauty, bereavement, Children, Death, Divorce, Faith, Family, Friendship, Future, Gratitude, Grief, History, Hope, Inspiration, Life, Losing A Parent, Loss, Love, Musing, Parenting, Philosophy, Spirits, Thought For Today, Wisdom with tags , , , , on June 25, 2014 by Morguie

Well, here is the conclusion to my own search for personal peace.

 

If I Died Today:

 

I KNOW I COULD GO without reservation, unresolved issues, or regrets, because:

 

  • I am blessed to have had the fantastic opportunities I’ve had and for all the blessings I’ve received through the accomplishments made from my seizing on them;

 

 

  • I believe I was a good, well-intentioned, and loving mother to my precious girls, Holly and Caitlin.  God knows I tried, yet I believe I could have done some things a lot better than I did…but I didn’t know it at the time. I apologize for that, yet my children insist there is nothing to be sorry for. For the most part, my basic job is completed, but not without giving lots of credit to others in aiding me, where raising my children has been concerned. They are the sum total of all the shaping and loving they received.

 

 

hollysfamilyMar3120121

 

 

 

  • So, now that there is yet a newer generation, I live in the ‘here and now’ by truly taking in all that I possibly can as I enjoy our time together.  I continue to worry, pray, obsess over the safety and well-being of those baby girls of mine, their children, and those dear to them and will for as long as I have breath in my body — no matter that they are pretty much in control (to an extent) of their dreams, goals, and lives as full-fledged adults now.  Nothing could come between us to break the bond of unconditional love and maternal protection I hold for them, nothing. I would happily die for them. No question.

 

 

MyGirls1992

 

 

 

 

 

  • I mostly believe that, overall,  I turned out to be a decent and conscionable, generally likable human being. I answer to my conscience, my responsibilities, and attempt to account for what I own — deeds, mistakes, mistaken choices of words used with or against others. I still have much to learn about patience, acceptance of things that are out of my control, forgiveness of self, forgiveness of others.
  • I believe I am generally a good-hearted and worthy human; One that my Dad and Mom are able to say they’re proud of. Dad is gone, but he remains with me daily in the wisdom he imparted and the loving encouragement he gave. I’m fortunate Mom is still here, and my love and respect is still growing for the champion she’s been for me and all she’s given to me in my life. I look more like her  with each passing day. I am humbled when someone says “You remind me of your mom” or “You take after your Daddy, he used to think about or do things the same way.” No compliment could be more of an honor, truly.

I regret I put them through some serious grief when I was a rebel teen…but they never stopped loving me. Or supporting all that needed to be supported.  I am grateful my girls had them to model after and learn from…since their Dad and I could not be for them the set of parents they really deserved.

 

 

 

  • I certainly have my own share of life’s personal mistakes, blunders, troubles, and regrets to create nagging guilty twinges, though. When I am really looking to entertain myself on sleepless evenings, I just lie awake worrying about all the things I cannot fix or make better or wish could somehow magically transform to a more pleasant conclusion. I find myself sorrowful for those times I chose the lesser good over the greater good; I ask only forgiveness from those I have caused any disappointment, bitterness, or pain. I forgive those who have done harm to me, in return.

 

 

  • And, I feel so grateful to have loved, lived, and been privy to all of the beauty, joy, and marvelous memories that I have enjoyed and been part of,  thus far. I am extremely fortunate just to…have…lived. Gratitude flows from my heart to  all friends, family, my neighbors, God … each and every day. Thankful to have had so much love and support, at all times.

I find much reward in knowing I can and do make worthy contributions in the lives of others, as much as they make in mine.

 

  • I know I have been loved, cherished, and held dear by those who matter the most. I appreciate that they cared, in ways big and small, that I should arrive, thus far, in good spirits, health in tact, and with talents and abilities to share with others… Without those helping souls and kindred spirits, I would not ‘be.’ I hope to pass it on by inspiring and encouraging others.

 

 

  • I thank the unseen power of love and fate. I was able to survive evil so that I might learn to respect and love myself. It was then that I was able to discern true good, true love, and open my heart again, to someone who showed me how love is meant to feel, to be, and for that blessing I am grateful, and happy.  With him, I am safe, loved, and cared for.035

 

 

  • I am humbled by the compassion, empathy, and well-wishes I have received from total strangers, whose names I never knew, as I made the journey through times of sunshine and the times of hardship and pain. Those people live on in my own feelings of compassion, empathy, pity, and mercy…and in the actions that I find myself taking and exhibiting,  along my walk through life. These gifts of hope, encouragement, and humanity have contributed to the complete person I am. They inspire  me to remember the less fortunate and weak of spirit, to lend my help when it is needed, and exhibit genuine concern by actions I take and words I use.

I strive to pass these forward when I sense the slightest opportunity. (Ask the stranger I hugged at the gas pumps recently. He just needed to know he was worthy of joy and respect, too.) He’d  never heard anybody actually tell him so. Our paths crossed for a special reason that day.

 

I am extremely grateful to have become aware of and a part of the people who make this blog a jewel in my crown of accomplishments. You have all given me the encouragement to develop a place  worthy of being followed by over 400 readers in 70+ nations since I began posting here just a little over a year ago. I am grateful for the thoughts you share and the good I have found in your works as well. Thank you for making it possible to have a sense of purpose here.

 

MOST OF ALL:

 

  •  I am happy that I could pass any wisdom I’ve been shown of life to my girls.  I am always learning, and trying to learn from them, too. They are everything I prayed they might become as adults and I am proud that they have taken my life to places I would have missed, were they never to be born mine.

 

 

  • The very essence of my life has been the blessing of having these two girls. My purpose, my destiny, my lasting gifts of love, the joy of being loved and trusted…I have received so very much, learned so much, been made into the very person I am due to what you have given to me through the miracles of your births.   What an awesome sense of joy!

 

 

 

 

If I died today….I have no fear of what lies beyond this earthly realm.

 

I have arrived at my own sense of peace. So, YES, I believe I would die in a state of contentment, today, should the Fates so decide to issue my number in the Lotto of Life.   Forward-looking means no looking through the rear-view at what has passed; only concentrating on what is ahead. 

 

 

 

So….I have no plans to go anywhere, anytime soon. 

 

“My good Grim Reaper, goest thou away, I shall go with you

 

some other day!”

 

 

 

Now, it’s your turn to find your peace. Pack the deathbed concerns in a box, lock it, and lose that key. Write it out as a letter to yourself, then burn it. Make the past tangible and toss it in the waste can.   That’s finished business.   🙂

 

Live life in the way it was intended– be fully present and unfettered by worry. Each day is a gift.

 

©2014, C.S. Thompson.

 

 

 

CJ-tile

CJ and her Prince– 2014

 

 

 

 

babby&Button

My grandsons, June 2011

 

 

 

 

My Oldest Daughter, Holly and her sons--- Baby Nate and Justin 2012

My Oldest Daughter, Holly
and her sons— Baby Nate and Justin
2012

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

1527794_639956212735370_1497044852_n

My ‘baby’ daughter, Caitlin, my “Tee-Rosie” 2014

 

 

 

 

TeeRosie (l) Holly (r) 2014

TeeRosie (l) Holly (r) 2014

 

 

 

 

 

A Dose Of Reality

Posted in Grief, Life, Loss, Musing, Relationships, Thought For Today with tags , , , , on February 23, 2014 by Morguie

“OUCH!!”

I scurried from my hole in the wall to see what CJ was yelling about…

mousecringe

…it seems she was reading an e-mail message. The one called ” The Inspirational Quote For The Day.”  Today’s offering reads:

The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.

                                     ― Mahatma Gandhi

Ahhh. I see. Yes.

I suppose that did touch a tender nerve in her, poor girl.

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I Miss You, Daddy

Posted in Death, Grief, Life, Losing A Parent, Loss, Mourning with tags on September 28, 2013 by Morguie

DaddysgraveSeptember 22 would have marked my father’s 76th birthday. A while back I spoke about my own personal struggle with grief and forgiveness…

Anyway, Daddy’s birthday is one of those days of the year that are especially painful. He is no longer here. But, his memory is ALWAYS alive and with us in our hearts.

So, Daddy….once again….Happy Birthday. I love you and miss you ever so much.

Your Little ButterCup.

©2013, C.S. Thompson.

me09282013

C J Talks About: Her Own Struggle With Grief And Forgiveness

Posted in Death, Grief, Losing A Parent, Loss, Traffic Accident, Tragic death with tags , , , on August 1, 2013 by Morguie
English: Graphic on forgiveness

English: Graphic on forgiveness (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Grief

Grief (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Image

The 29th marked the third anniversary of my cherished dad’s death after many years of suffering. I swore to myself I wouldn’t let myself be taken over by tears and sadness on that day. It’s hard not to think about how very much you miss someone on the day that marks their passing. Or on April 2, the date that marks the devastating event which forever changed our family, as we knew it. Or on Father’s Day. Or his birthday.  Most of the time I am good. But those particular four days are torture. I found myself mired in grief.

I never overcame the sense of personal tragedy I felt when Dad was run down in the street, just a block from his home. The driver was a druggie and not even permitted to have a license after some other misdeed she was involved in.  He was in the crosswalk, three-quarters the way across the roadway, on a green light. She was barreling through the intersection intent on making her left turn, however hastily or short of the proper lane. Her big SUV slammed into him, making point of impact his head, the momentum of it all sent him all of the way back to the corner where he started.

It was Good Friday.  I was in town and had called earlier to tell him I was going to stop by for a visit. I feel so much regret for my dawdling. I was later than I’d said. If only I’d been there as promised. I cannot help but wonder if I’d picked up my pace and gotten over there just half an hour earlier, that he might still be here.  The weight of this guilt and the what-ifs has been like an anchor around my neck.

 If only…how might things have been…if only I hadn’t been thinking of myself…if only I’d gone straight over, not indulging in unnecessary distractions at the markets…that accident wouldn’t have happened, and I wouldn’t hate myself so much for not being able to save Dad from…it. If only…

At that moment, I had no idea that I would never again have a meaningful 2-way conversation, go out for a beer, or eat a meal again with Dad. The accident in 1999 would rob him of speech and movement, his and mom’s retirement together; he was left severely brain-injured and paralyzed, with the exception of a little ability to use the left hand. He died in 2010…only after numerous surgeries and long stints in various medical facilities. He died at home where my mother and sister had cared for him all of the rest of the time. Up until I seriously injured my own back, I too tried to care for him, in the beginning.

And as such, one would think we all had plenty of time to ready ourselves for the end. And there were many occasions where it looked to be the ‘end.’ “Anticipatory” grief is what that is called. For eleven years, we were in the limbo of anticipatory grief. If you have been blessed to not experience it, I will only try to tell you that it enervates the mind, body, and spirit. It robs you of joy and fosters bitterness and depression. Like ripping the scab from a deep wound, over and over again.  For me, though, everything about how I viewed life, changed.

I have never been able to move past the anger and resentment I harbor for that woman. She had no right to be behind the wheel that night. In a selfish disregard for others, including her daughters riding with her that night, she took the life of my innocent father. She can never know the pain she caused. She will never know what she took away from us that fateful night. She will never know the suffering caused, even to this day. Forever. She will never know how my mother has spent her days, isolating herself in her grief. How Mom has allowed her will to live to slip as she counts the days until the suffering ends for her. She prays and looks with hope to the day she can be with him again. They would have celebrated their 50th Wedding Anniversary July 25th. Another marker to get through. 

I know I must find a way to let it go. I MUST forgive, I am told. But I don’t WANT to! I want vengeance.

But I do understand that I will NEED to find forgiveness if I am ever going to be free of this ugliness inside. The bitterness, self-loathing, and anger over the years has definitely made me into a chronically negative, joyless human being at times. It eats away at everything in your life. Clouds the blessings you have, lessening your appreciation for what good there is around you.

I have two little grandsons who bring light and joy, merely by thinking of them. For that, I am so grateful. For them I want to be a joyful Grammy with happiness in her heart and mind.

So, I NEED to try hard to pull myself up and out of the darkness I have been in. I will have to forgive so that I can be free to be the real me I was before. At least closer to it than I have been.

I have more than one injustice to forgive. Many years of them, one right after another, starting with Dad’s accident. It will be a project for me. Creating this blog has helped me to feel useful to others who also struggle with grief. A ray of light through a solid black cloud of misfortune.

In order to find some peace, it will have to start with me. Being able to help others to do that makes it possible to believe I can also help myself. I will find the compassion and humanity in myself to allow forgiveness of others and for myself.

This July 29th was a day of enlightenment, even through so many tears. I realized my father would not want to see me consumed by so much sadness and negativity. He would want only for me to be happy and living a quality life. So for him, for myself, I will make every effort to do that. 

**Thank you for taking time to make this blog such a worthwhile effort. It has brought purpose and positivity into my life. It will be key in my own grief recovery. I hope you will continue to share your thoughts and comments here. I like to know how my posts affect you and I ponder those perspectives and learn from them. I am humbled when you tell me I have helped you in some small way. Thank you for that.** 

©2013, C.S. Thompson.

 

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