Archive for hearse

Vintage Cartoon

Posted in Comedy, Fiction, Fun and Entertainment, Funeral Service Professional, Humor, Life with tags , , , on August 5, 2014 by Morguie



We must handle other business.   Sorry. We’ll  be back soon. Thank you stopping in to see us…without you we’d be irrelevant.

CJ and Morguie


Here is a clipped comic I saved from a March 2004 local paper.  I loved to save these things and stick them up on the walls around my desk, once upon a time.


“B.C.  by Johnny Hart”






“Did you hear about the mortician who went ballistic when his battery died in the middle of a procession?”

“No. What happened?”

“They arrested him for beating a dead hearse.”


Posted in Cemetery, Death, Embalming Room, Funeral, Funeral home, Funeral Service Professional, Mortuary with tags , , , , , , on November 27, 2013 by Morguie


It was a day that appeared to start like most others, with the usual flurry of getting ready for a funeral service. I awoke from my nest, inside the wall of the prep-room, to the clatter of metal instruments on the tray nearby. C J was in her smart black suit and pumps, hurrying about the room, clicking across the tile floor. I peered out and noticed her applying adhesive to Mr. Livingston’s inner lips, as he lay in his baby blue metal casket.

“Damn!” she exclaimed loudly. C J rushed to sink and tried in vain to rinse her hands. I popped out of my hole, scurrying up the cabinet to greet her at the sink. Once again, it appeared she had glued herself in the process of securing the dead man’s mouth closed! She looked at me with a no-nonsense glare. For a second, I was frightened. Mr. Becker would be down any minute…

…meanwhile, she desperately applied the various topicals and solvents she could find to try to undo the glued fingers on not one, but BOTH hands. I began to snicker, which raised her ire again, “Shut up, rodent!” Just then, the door swung open and in walked Mr. B.

“Who are you talking to, CJ?”

“Uh, no one, sir.” she stammered. He looked at her with an odd expression. “Well, let’s get Mr. Livingston loaded up and get over to St. Bart’s then,” he said.

They got the casket loaded somehow, considering C J was still hopelessly glued up. Then they carried the flowers to the flower car and once everything was loaded, Mr. B left to go back upstairs to put his coat on. As the door closed behind him, C J decided she would have to take desperate measures to free up her fingers from the super adhesive’s bond: the scalpel! In one quick sweep, each hand was liberated, but blood now began to ooze where the cleaved fingers had been joined. She quickly grabbed a handful of band-aids from the first-aid kit, and we were out the door.

We got into the funeral coach with Mr. Becker and he looked down to see the assorted bloody paper towels and band-aid wrappers on C J’s lap. “What happened?”

English: The hearse used to transport the body...

English: The hearse used to transport the body of former President Ronald Reagan (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

“Nothing, really. I’m good, honest. A little problem with that darned glue, but it’s fine. Looks worse than it is, I promise,” she said in a rush.


 We got to the church and pulled in front of the entrance. The pallbearers and the family were beginning to show up and soon it was time to take the casket into the church, to the vestibule. This is where the monsignor would bless the body and the pall would be placed over the casket before proceeding into the main church. This is the part that always made C J nervous: getting the casket down the aisle, rolling it perfectly straight, as Mr. Becker walked backwards (facing her, as she pushed the head end).

Funeral Services for Fr. Pavlo

Funeral Services for Fr. Pavlo (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The morning had already gotten off to a rocky start with the glue incident, she prayed under her breath that she would keep that casket straight and above all: guide Mr. B down the aisle without bumping him into the crucifer! Rumor around the mortuary was that everyone who ever worked with Mr. B at the Catholic Church had made this awful, grievous gaff.


As sure as the sun will shine, it was a prophecy fulfilled.

Not quite a third of the distance down the aisle (see anatomy of church as in the clip above), as she intently stared through the tiny ‘window’ of space ahead through the crook of his bent arm, C J somehow lost track of the candle-bearer’s step. In an instant, she knew she was doomed, as she felt Mr. B’s body run into slight resistance, if just for an instant only. CJ was gripped by panic! Judging from the deepening color moving over Mr. B’s face, I doubt she had any idea the trouble she was in! I crouched low in her pocket, the day was about to worsen.

It was an eternity when we finally made it to the front of the church. CJ and Mr. Becker turned and genuflected before walking back together to the vestibule. As they got to the double doors, Mr. B began to close one side, and C J started to close the other side…but the doors were still open when he launched into a very audible whisper-yell which echoed into the main church.

“GODDAMN YOU!! You just committed a CARDINAL SIN!” he blustered. Several of the mourners actually turned around in the pews to look back. It was a most awkward moment, more so than the casket incident a few minutes earlier had been. The doors crashed closed with a mighty slam.

English: Schwörstadt: Catholic Church Deutsch:...

English: Schwörstadt: Catholic Church Deutsch: Schwörstadt: Katholische Kirche (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

C J shrank, red-faced, shaking, and tears began to roll down her hot face. She looked like a shamed child. She fought to stifle a sob as he stared her down with a glare that could cut. She knew she had done the unforgiveable, appeared unprofessional. He worked hard at presenting flawless funerals. She would now be banished from working the Catholic services after today.

“Go on back to the mortuary! Send Bill back here, tell him to dress first. He will finish this and do the graveside with me. YOU will come back here for the flowers in 30 minutes and then set them up at the cemetery. After that, go back to the mortuary and wait for me!”

C J nodded, trying to apologize as she choked back the sobs that were stuck in her throat. He looked as if he truly hated her at that moment. We did as he said. After finishing at the cemetery, we came back to her little office to wait.

I felt sorry for her as she cried. She felt just awful. CJ just stayed at her desk in her darkened office for the rest of the day. I never saw her so upset. She cried and cried. The worst part of it all: Mr. Becker never did come down to talk to her, either.

©2013, C.S. Thompson.

*The next time Mr. B and CJ  did happen to be in St. Bart’s again for a service was sadly, not to work a funeral…it was for CJ to attend Mr. B’s farewell, several years later, officiated by none other than the fine Monsignor himself.


EPISODE 16 — Trouble At The Car Wash

Posted in Death, Embalming Room, Funeral, Funeral home, Humor with tags , , on June 21, 2013 by Morguie
Cadillac DTS-based hearse

Cadillac DTS-based hearse (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

English: Cadillac Brougham

It was a hectic day at the mortuary, and of all days to be short of ‘livery’ men, this was the day. Mr. Becker needed to get the funeral coaches (hearses), family cars (limousines), and a flower van cleaned for the next day’s services, and there was no one in-house to handle it. Therefore, after lunch, CJ and Mr. B tackled the problem by driving the various vehicles over to the full-service car wash, just a few blocks away.

Mr. Becker phoned ahead to the place to let them know that there were going to be several cars in need of their services; he wanted to be sure they could get them all done. CJ, Mr. B, and a couple of the people from the business offices ferried the vehicles over to the car wash. Another staffer followed to pick up the drivers and bring them back to the mortuary. When the cars were ready, they would return.

A couple of hours later, the phone rang. It was somebody down at the car wash. Seems there was a problem — one of the workers had accidentally locked the keys in the Cadillac hearse. Could we send somebody down with an extra set? So, Mr. B called down to the prep room, where CJ was busy dressing and casketing bodies. 

CJ came upstairs to see Mr. B. “CJ, I need you to drive a set of keys over to the car wash. They just called here and said something happened to the keys for one of the coaches, I didn’t get all the details…” Mr. B managed to hide a grin as he handed the keys to her.

CJ looked puzzled. “Did they lose the keys?” She really couldn’t think of any other reason to need an extra set.  Funny thing about the funeral coaches: it is considered an impossibility to actually lock the keys in the car. “Oh well, no worries, sir. I’ll take care of it right now.” Then she took off for the car wash.

When she got there, CJ was flagged down by a teenaged kid standing beside the car in question. He explained that he was very sorry to be such a bother, but he had accidentally locked the car without taking the keys from the ignition.  CJ smiled and said that really couldn’t be. The kid nervously pointed to the driver door window so she could see for herself.  CJ looked. Yes, there were the keys dangling from the steering column. The kid also pointed out that all four doors were locked.

Rotating brushes inside a conveyor car-wash.

Rotating brushes inside a conveyor car-wash. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

CJ stifled a giggle as she asked the kid about the big rear door. Had he thought of trying that door? She began to explain that the rear door has to be manually locked, with keys in hand. 

The kid said, “Yes ma’am, I tried that door. I know it’s unlocked…” CJ looked him in the eye, not so amused, now. “Then why on earth did you need me to bring an extra set of keys down here? I am quite busy today and this is keeping me from my regular tasks!” She was obviously showing her annoyance at this point. The kid averted his eyes and looked down at his feet, fidgeting with a wet rag in his hands.

CJ went around and yanked on the rear door handle, opening the back of the car. She pointed at the empty cargo area, which is reserved for carrying caskets, and stated, “All you really needed to do was go in through here to get the keys!” The kid looked up at her with a serious expression on his face and said, in a boldly assertive tone, “I am sorry ma’am  but there is NO WAY I would be going through THERE, to get keys or anything else!”statue

With that, CJ closed the compartment door, and walked back around to the driver side door. Now she was really trying hard not to laugh aloud as she took her spare key and unlocked the vehicle. As she turned to leave, she could hear the boy stammer, “Uh, thanks ma’am…really am sorry…”

She pulled into the mortuary driveway, went into Mr. B’s office, and closed the door behind herself. I could hear the two of them laughing for quite a few minutes, afterward. I thought to myself, with some amusement, it really is a strange world we live in. Moreover, people can be even stranger!

Mus musculus

Mus musculus (Photo credit: AJC1)

Miss Lou Acquiring Lore

Gallery of Life...

Poems & People

what if poems could be symphonies, and people their orchestra?

Remora Philippines

GPS Vehicle Tracker - Philippines


Everyday thoughts and life mysteries


Der Luftfahrt Blog

Sandys Secret Jar Of Success

Journey to Aim and Reclaim

Recruit 5-10 Reps Per Month

Network Marketing Mastery




“Go then, there are other worlds than these.”

Eastern Lightning

Eastern Lightning, the Church of Almighty God was created because of the appearance and work of Almighty God, the second coming of the Lord Jesus, Christ of the last days. It is made up of all those who accept Almighty God’s work in the last days and are conquered and saved by His words. It was entirely founded by Almighty God personally and is led by Him as the Shepherd. It was definitely not created by a person. Christ is the truth, the way, and the life. God’s sheep hear God’s voice. As long as you read the words of Almighty God, you will see God has appeared.




Lets share information about everything started from business to services & allow others to know your "X" Factors.


Book recommendations, inspirational quotes, writing, books, blogging and social issues

Bravely Being Jen

be you


A Life's Worth of Observations from a Songwriter and Sound Engineer


Asla İdeallerinden Vazgeçme Asla! Never Give Up Your İdeals Never!

Bones Don't Lie

Current News in Mortuary Archaeology and Bioarchaeology


The World's leading success industry

Here at last, we shall be free.

The journal of Iain S. Thomas.

Lisa Tiller

This blog is about whatever is currently taking my fancy.

How to Make an Alien

It's as easy as 1, 3, 2

Just A Small Town Girl...

Just your average 27 year old diagnosed with E.W.S. at birth... AKA Excessive Writing Syndrome :)


Ali. Elzubair

Dr. K. L. Register

Just a small town girl who writes about Christian stuff.

Expressive Ponderings

Fiction, photography, thoughts and other ponderings

Climactic Rhyme

Searching for the Poetry in Everything

Where to next?

Riding in cars with dogs

SUGIH forever

Prince Dreamer constructs all his dreams!

My Aunt the WAC

Marian Solomon's midlife transition from the farm to the Women's Army Corps (WACs)


A blog by Dr. Abhinav Majumder

What I Know

manatees & dimsocks


Government, Economics and Figure Skating

BBR Productions Inc,

Bringing Reality to your Dreams

%d bloggers like this: